Old Habits Die Hard (July 2006)

How come every time I enter a new phase in life there seems to be old temptations? I tell myself over and over if it did not work out before it will not work out this time. I am the strongest I have ever been yet it seems so difficult to turn my back on certain things. You probably are wondering what I am talking about. Well let me explain. Over a year ago I was involved with a young man. We knew each other for years and I thought that everything could work out. We both seemed to want the same things out of life. (Or so I thought) I met him when I was in undergrad some time ago. We were at church when our eyes first met. I didn't think much of it at the time but later on we ended up being very close friends. I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for him at the time but as the weeks and months passed we ended up heading down that road. We parted ways for some time and reunited. After catching up and getting re-acquainted we decided that we should give a relationship a try. It seemed right. I thought it would be perfect since we were so good at being friends. It did not end up working out. I thought it would. It seemed as if it was supposed to. I thought us meeting up again was a sign to move forward and pick up were we left off. I thought we should give it a try. No matter how many times we tried something would not let us move forward. I racked my brain for the longest time wondering why. Maybe it was timing. Yeah, I thought it would be better if I waited and we crossed paths again. So about a year later we gave it another try. We decided to make if official. He meets the parents, we talk about moving away together, a house n’ all that stuff. But once again slowly but surely things started falling apart. I was so disappointed. I couldn't understand what was going on. We seemed so good as friends. Where did we go wrong? I tried and tried to make things work but I realized I could not go on trying to make things work by myself. Things started to get really bad. I started to get that gut feeling in the pit of my stomach but I continued to ignore it. I kept saying, "we can make it, we love each other, we are best friends, I know we can make it" Then we he forgot my birthday. After that I finally accepted that it was not going to work. I looked past a lot of things. I looked past the cancelled plans. I looked past the many times he forgot to call when he said he would. I looked past the broken promises. I looked past the times he refused to make time for me. I over looked the times when he took his friends and co-workers out instead of me but I could not look past him forgetting my birthday. He knew how much that meant to me. He seemed to grow colder and colder until his heart was ice cold. I could no longer look past it. I reminded him time and time again in hopes that he would give his all to salvage the relationship. I finally had to tell myself that I had grown in ways that he could not accept. I decided to move on with my life. On the day after my birthday I called him to let him know that I got accepted into Clark Atlanta University and I would be moving to Atlanta. He then knew I would be moving on without him but still he acted as if he didn't care. I also let him know that I was furious out him forgetting my special day. I don't know what happened to his heart. He still did not budge. My heart cried on the inside in hopes that he would beg me to stay. I wanted him to run to me and tell me how much he needed me in his life. I wanted so very bad for him to want to be a part of the new life that was waiting for me. Instead he didn’t even say goodbye. No calls. No emails. No letters. No nothing. So I moved on. I wasn’t going to wait around and be sad. I had just met one of the biggest goals of my life. I was moving to Atlanta to further my education and expand my life. I knew there were big things ahead of me. Even though I thought of him many days and nights I did not let that keep me from my future. I moved on with no word from him. I traveled, finished my first year of the MBA program and got a marketing internship at Verizon Communications. Well heck, I even decided to take a chance and study abroad in Barcelona Spain. I was a completely different woman. And then out of nowhere he contacts me. 16 months later he contacts me. I guess he found out about the Study Abroad thing. He gives me all of the apologies and I love you's that I longed for in the past. I was eating it up. This is what I longed for right. All of the old feelings started to come back. I was okay with it until. I said to myself “HOLD UP GIRL!!” “Where was this guy 16 months ago when you really needed him? Things are going great for you now. You’re about to spend a semester in Spain and you are also completing a great internship in one of the biggest corporations in the world. Things are great and you’re happy. Where was he on your birthday? Where was he when you needed a shoulder to cry on? Where was he when you received the first F of your college career? He was not there. Nor did he try to be there. He missed out on all the experiences that you asked him to share with you”. After telling myself this I realized I was a different person and things could never be the same. I was different. I had grown. I knew I could not accept the things that I accepted in the past. I knew that a relationship between us was out of the question. I knew at that moment that I deserved more and I could not get the things I deserved if I continued to allow my past to pull me away from my future. To quote a great preacher I heard in church “It was time to get pulled forward by my future.” I cannot go back. I will use my past mistakes as life lessons. I know what I cannot go back to. I know what does and does not work for me. That is something we should all remember as we walk though life. We have to know what works and does not work for us. We have to recognize those things that are good and bad for us. We need to find out what those good and bad things are be it people, places, or things. Those things might be tangible or intangible; it’s different for everyone. We must realize that we cannot continue to move forward if we allow our pasts to hold us back. So will I try to be friends with him? God knows. I will pray about it and see. But no matter what happens I will remember:
Isaiah 43:18-25:18 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.